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3 THINGS WHEN YOU GET OLD Author: Aging 3 THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU GET OLD. NEVER PASS UP A BATHROOM NEVER WASTE A HARD-ON AND NEVER TRUST A FART.
I’M RETIRED Author: Aging I Don’t Want To. I Don’t Have To. You Can’t Make Me. I’M RETIRED
MARINATING Author: Aging YOU'RE NOT AGING… YOU'RE MARINATING
SEXY SENIOR CITIZEN Author: Aging I’m not a dirty old man… just a SEXY senior citizen.
HAPPY HOUR IS A NAP! Author: Aging You know you’re getting older when happy hour is a nap!
RETIRED: Author: Aging Retired: you were tired yesterday & You'll be tired again today.
YOU'RE SO OLD Author: Aging You're so old you can’t remember where your nuts are.
NO TIME TO WORK Author: Aging I’m Retired. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORK
THE HEREAFTER Author: Aging These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere and then wonder what I’m here after.
OLD AGE IS LIKE UNDERWEAR Author: Aging Old age is like underwear …it creeps up on you.
RETIREMENT AND HOT STUDS Author: Aging I found my calling… RETIREMENT and HOT STUDS!
YOU MAY BE OLD Author: Aging YOU MAY BE OLD, BUT YOU GOT TO SEE ALL THE COOL BANDS
PLEASE BE PATIENT Author: Aging When I spill some food on my nice clean dress or maybe forget to tie my shoe, please be patient and perhaps reminisce about the many hours I spent with you. When I taught your how to eat with care. Plus tying laces and your numbers, too. Dressing yourself and combing your hair, those were precious hours spent with you. So when I forget what I was about to say, just give me a minute – or maybe two. It probably wasn’t important anyway, and I would much rather listen just to you. If I tell the story one more time, and you know the ending through and through. Please remember your first nursery rhyme when I rehearsed it a hundred times with you. When my legs are tired and it’s hard to stand or walk the steady pace that I would like to do. Please take me carefully by my hand, and guide me now as I so often did for you.
HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT Author: ANGRY, INSULTING IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT …KISS MY ASS
CSI Author: ANGRY, INSULTING CSI Can’t Stand Idiots
SHUT-THE-HELL UP Author: ANGRY, INSULTING HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LESS TALK AND A LITTLE MORE SHUT-THE-HELL UP?
ATTITUDE PROBLEM Author: ANGRY, INSULTING I don’t have an Attitude Problem, you JERK!
ONE PERSON PER DAY Author: ANGRY, INSULTING I can only please ONE PERSON PER DAY.
NOT YOUR DAY Author: ANGRY, INSULTING TODAY is not your day. TOMORROW doesn’t look good either.
EXCEPT FOR CATS Author: ANIMALS And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts …except, of course, for cats. Feline: 14-32
CAN YOU HEAR MEOW? Author: ANIMALS Can you hear MEOW? How about NEE-OW?
ASK NOT YOUR CAT Author: ANIMALS Ask not what your cat can do for you.
HANDLE STRESS LIKE A DOG Author: ANIMALS HOW TO HANDLE STRESS LIKE A DOG If you CAN’T EAT IT or PLAY WITH IT, then PEE ON IT and WALK AWAY
DOG TEST Author: ANIMAL If my dog doesn’t Like you Neither will I!!
DOG PHILOSOPHY Author: ANIMALS BARK as if no one can hear you CATCH the ball on the fly LICK likethere’snoendtokissing SLEEP on a sofa nearby JUMP Like the sky is the limit SIT by the fire with friends STAY with the ones who love you RUN like the road never ends
SCARS ARE TATOOS Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE SCARS ARE TATOOS WITH BETTER STORIES
FACING YOUR FEARS Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE FACING YOUR FEARS BUILDS STRENGTH but running from them makes for a great cardio workout.
SAVE THE WORLD! Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, you could save the world!
YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE You're in your own little world, but it’s okay. They know you there.
LIFE IS EASY Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE LIFE IS EASY It’s the freakin’ people WHO MAKE IT DIFFICULT!
SOMETIMES I LAUGH Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE Sometimes I laugh so hard TEARS RUN DOWN MY LEG
EXERCISE Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE Oh heck, I might as well exercise since I’m already in a BAD MOOD
I’M NOT SHORT Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE I’M NOT SHORT. I’M FUN SIZE!
LEFT-HANDED Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE I’m Left-handed What is your Super Power?
RAY OF SUNSHINE Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE You're just One Big Freaking Ray of Sunshine Aren’t you?
START WORRYING Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE I’ll start worrying about how OLD I AM when I quit looking SO DAMN GOOD
GONE CRAZY Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE GONE CRAZY Be Back Shortly
LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN, APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU SHOULD, AND LET GO OF WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE. KISS SLOWLY, FORGIVE QUICKLY, PLAY HARD, TAKE CHANCES, GIVE EVERYTHING, AND HAVE NO REGRETS. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANYTHING BUT HAPPY!
BE BOLD Author: BODY & SOUL, SELF IMAGE BE BOLD BE THANKFUL BE QUIET BE ORIGINAL BE SPONTANEOUS BE PUNCTUAL BE A STAR BE YOUNG BE LOVING BE CRAZY BE LOUD BE RANDOM BE ADORABLE BE UNIQUE BE DARING BE OBNOXIOUS BE YOURSELF
UNDERWEAR FOR CHRISTMAS Author: CHRISTMAS When you stop believing in Santa you start getting underwear for Christmas
IF IDIOTS GREW ON TREES Author: COMMENTARIES If idiots grew on trees this place would be a forest.
CREDIT CARD PAYMENTS Author: COMMENTARIES If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
I PROCRASTINATE Author: COMMENTARIES I procrastinate so I’ll have something to do tomorrow.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING Author: EGO Some call it bitching. I call it motivational speaking.
I’M NOT BOSSY Author: EGO I’m not bossy… You just need to be told what to do
NOT PERFECT Author: EGO I know I’m NOT PERFECT but I’m so close IT SCARES ME!
I’M NOT STUBBORN Author: EGO I’m NOT STUBBORN, My Way Is Just Better!
AGREE WITH YOU Author: EGO I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
SMART ASS Author: EGO I’d rather be a smart ass than a dumb shit.
NEVER WRONG Author: EGO To save time, let’s just assume I’m NEVER wrong!
BAD ATTITUDE Author: EGO SOME PEOPLE SAY I HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE. I SAY SCREW THEM!
THE NORMAL ONE Author: EGO Believe it or not, I’m the normal one in my family.
AWESOME Author: EGO You can’t spell AWESOME without “ME” in it.
BAD DECISIONS Author: EGO BAD DECISIONS MAKE GOOD STORIES
TO SAVE TIME Author: EGO TO SAVE TIME, Let’s just assume I’m NEVER wrong!
ATTITUDE Author: EGO I don’t have an ATTITUDE. I have a PERSONALITY you can’t handle!
ATTITUDE Author: EGO If you don’t like my ATTITUDE Stop talking to me
THE ROOTS Author: FAMILY THE ROOTS of a FAMILY TREE Begin with the LOVE of TWO HEARTS
FAMILY TREE Author: FAMILY I SHOOK MY FAMILY TREE and a BUNCH OF NUTS FELL OUT
CRAZY FAMILY Author: FAMILY I used to think I was born into a crazy family. Now I’m sure of it!
CRAZY AUNT Author: FAMILY I’m the CRAZY AUNT everyone warned you about
MY BROTHER Author: BROTHER MY BROTHER A sentiment that needs expressing more than any other is the warm appreciation that I feel for my brother. – Having you as a brother in a world that changes so fast is one of the best parts of my present and my past.
GOD CREATED DADS Author: FATHER God couldn’t do everything so He created Dads.
DAD Author: FATHER Many poems have been written to explain, How a mothers love can soothe the pain. But little has been said about a fathers concern, So. .now. .I think it must be his turn. A Fathers love for his off-spring I just like that of a solid gold ring. No matter what, it is unending, Never breaking; though. . .sometimes bending. His love is as strong a s a mothers; although. . . Due to his personality, it sometimes doesnt show. There is no question of how strong. . . Or of its lasting. . .however long. So no matter if his child is good or bad, There is no love stronger, that of Dad.
DEAR DADDY Author: FATHER In all the things I try to do, I want to do them just like you. I'm watching every move you make And trying to take each step you take. ------!!!------ Although right now I'm sort of small, When I'm with you I feel ten feet tall. Like you, I want to be brave and smart, 'Cause I love you, Daddy with all my heart. ------!!!------ When I am older I'll be so glad If I grow up to be Just like Dad.
GRANDPA Author: GRANDFATHER GRANDPA just like dad but smarter and better looking.
GOD CREATED GRANDPAS Author: GRANDFATHER God couldn’t do everything so He created Grandpas.
PRICELESS Author: GRANDCHILDREN I may not be Rich & Famous, but I have Priceless Grandchildren!
SISTERS Author: SISTER They laughed a little louder, they cried a little softer, they lived a little stronger, because they stood together… Sisters.
A MOTHER'S PRAYER Author: MOTHER Dear Lord, its such a hectic day, With little time to stop and pray, For lifes been anything but calm Since You called me to be a mom - Running errands, matching socks, Building dreams with wooden blocks, Cooking, cleaning, finding shoes And other stuff that children lose, Fitting lids on bottled bugs, Wiping tears and giving hugs, A stack of last weeks mail to read So wheres the quiet time I need? Yet, when I steal a moment, Lord, Just at the sink or ironing board, To ask the blessings of Your grace, I see then, in my small ones face, That you have blessed me All the while And I stoop to kiss That precious smile.
TO MY MOTHER Author: MOTHER For all the times you gently picked me up, When I fell down, For all the times you tied my shoes And tucked me into bed, Or needed something But put me first instead. For everything we shared, The dreams, the laughter, And the tears, I love you with a "Special Love" That deepens every year
SAVE THE PLANET Author: FOOD, DRINKING Save The Planet. IT’S THE ONLY ONE WITH BEER!
DRINKING WILL CONTINUE Author: FOOD, DRINKING THE DRINKING WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THE ECONOMY IMPROVE
DRINKING WAS BAD FOR ME Author: FOOD, DRINKING I used to think drinking was bad for me …so I gave up thinking
THE LIVER IS EVIL Author: FOOD, DRINKING THE LIVER IS EVIL. IT MUST BE PUNISHED.
RELISH TODAY Author: FOOD, DRINKING Relish Today. Ketchup Tomorrow.
ONE GLASS A DAY Author: FOOD, DRINKING They say one glass a day is good for you. They never said how many times to fill it!
GOOD AND BAD Author: FOOD, DRINKING GOOD AND BAD I Tried Being Good but it just didn’t work out
WINE Author: FOOD, DRINKING Wine, it takes the BITCH right out of me.
HOUSE BLESSING Author: HOUSE God’s blessing Rest upon this House and all who Dwell within; May all who enter, to, be Blessed
LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE Author: INSULTS If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you scared?
FAT PEOPLE Author: INSULTS FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP
PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES Author: INSULTS Some people are like Slinkies… they’re really good for nothing …but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!
CATCH A FALLING STAR Author: INTELLIGENCE Catch a falling star …and you’re toast!
IRONY Author: INTELLIGENCE Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
THERE, THEIR, THEY’RE Author: INTELLIGENCE There, Their, They’re not the same.
RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE Author: INTELLIGENCE RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE. IT’S VOLTAGE DIVIDED BY CURRENT.
YOUR I.Q. TEST Author: INTELLIGENCE YOUR I.Q. TEST CAME BACK NEGATIVE
SHE IS TOO FOND OF BOOKS Author: INTELLIGENCE “She is too fond of books, and it has addled her brain.” Louisa may Alcott
HISTORY BUFF Author: INTELLIGENCE HISTORY BUFF: I’d find you more interesting if you were dead.
STATISTICS Author: INTELLIGENCE Statistics mean never having to say you’re certain.
KNOW IT ALL Author: INTELLIGENCE Those who think they know it all are annoying to those of us who do.
MAN RULES Author: MAN STUFF I FOLLOW MAN RULES 1. I don’t read directions 2. I don’t read minds 3. I scratch where it itches 4. I fart when I want to
PICKLE JUICE Author: MAN STUFF I drink pickle juice
BALD GUYS Author: MAN STUFF BALD GUYS Never Have a Bad Hair Day
FINGERS OVER MY BIKE Author: MOTERCYCLES DON’T RUN YOUR FINGERS OVER MY BIKE AND I WON’T RUN MY BIKE OVER YOUR FINGERS.
YOU MIGHT BE A BIKER IF... Author: MOTERCYCLES YOU MIGHT BE A Biker IF… YOU THINK “HELMET HAIR” IS A FASHION STATEMENT YOUR DOG AND YOUR WALLET ARE BOTH ON CHAINS YOUR THREE VACATION SPOTS ARE LACONIA, STURGIS, AND DAYTONA BEACH YOUR THREE PIECE SUIT XONSISTS OF A LEATHER JACKET, LEATHER VEST AND CHAPS YOU SPENT MORE MONEY ON YOUR BIKE THAN YOUR EDUCATION. YOU ONLY WEAR BIKER T-SHIRTS ON DAYS ENDING IN Y YOU LEAVE AN OIL SPOT AS A WAY OF OF MARKING YOUR TERRITORY YOU WEAR MORE LEATHER THAN A COW
TWO WHEELS Author: MOTERCYCLES Four Wheels move the body Two Wheels move the Soul
E=FB Author: MUSIC E=Fb The Musical Theory of Relativity
LIFE WITHOUT MUSIC Author: MUSIC Life without music would B flat
TERRIFYING WORDS Author: POLITICAL THE NINE MOST TERRIFYING WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE… “I’M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND I’M HERE TO HELP”
POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS Author: POLITICAL POLITICIANS & DIAPERS Need to be CHANGED OFTEN for the SAME REASON
POLITICIANS Author: POLITICAL DON’T ACT STUPID. WE HAVE POLITICIANS FOR THAT.
STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING Author: POOR ME Started out with NOTHING and still have MOST OF IT LEFT.
SOME DAYS Author: POOR ME Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints
PUSHING MY LUCK Author: POOR ME I GET ENOUGH EXERCISE JUST PUSHING MY LUCK
I SMILE BECAUSE Author: POOR ME I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.
A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON Author: RELATIONSHIPS Give me a kiss to build a dream on, And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss. Sweetheart, I ask no more than this A kiss to build a dream on. ...oOo... Give me a kiss before you leave me, And my imagination will feed my hungry heart. Leave me one thing before we part A kiss to build a dream on. ...oOo... When I'm alone with my fancies...I'll be with you Weaving romances...making believe they're true. ...oOo... Give me your lips for just a moment, And my imagination will make that moment live. Give me what you alone can give, A kiss to build a dream on.
AS TIME GOES BY Author: RELATIONSHIPS You must remember this A kiss is still a kiss A sigh is still just a sigh The fundamental things apply As time goes by. | And when two lovers woo, They still say: "I love you." On that you can rely. No matter what the future brings As time goes by. | Moonlight and love songs - never out of date Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate Woman needs man - and man must have his mate That no one can deny. | It's still the same old story, A fight for love and glory A case of do or die. The world will always welcome lovers As time goes by.
I MARRIED A NUN Author: RELATIONSHIPS I married a nun . Nun in the Morning and Nun at night
FRIEND UNDERSTANDS Author: RELATIONSHIPS A Friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you even though you’re totally crazy.
DIDN’T SAY IT WAS YOUR FAULT Author: RELATIONSHIPS I didn’t Say It Was Your Fault. I Said I Was Going To BLAME YOU
IF YOU LIVE TO BE 100 Author: RELATIONSHIPS If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day so I never have to live without you.
BRAVER THAN YOU BELIEVE Author: RELATIONSHIPS “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” - Christopher Robin to Pooh
LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE Author: RELATIONSHIPS I can’t promise that I’ll be here for the rest of your life… but I can promise that I’ll love you for the rest of my life.
B.F.F. Author: RELATIONSHIPS B.F.F. When you smile I smile. When you hurt I hurt. When you jump off a bridge… I will miss you!
ARE THE CHEESE TO MY MACARONI Author: RELATIONSHIPS YOU ARE THE CHEESE TO MY MACARONI YOU ARE THE HORIZON TO MY SKY YOU ARE THE BACON TO MY EGGS YOU ARE THE LACES TO MY SNEAKERS YOU ARE THE JELLY TO MY PEANUT BUTTER YOU ARE THE SMILE TO MY FACE YOU ARE THE GRAVY TO MY MASHED POTATOES YOU ARE THE BUBBLES TO MY BATH YOU ARE THE MILK TO MY COOKIE YOU ARE THE INK TO MY PEN YOU ARE THE KETCHUP TO MY FRENCH FRIES YOU ARE THE WATER TO MY OCEAN YOU ARE THE ICING ON MY CUPCAKE
TELL YOUR BOOBS Author: SEX TELL YOUR BOOBS TO STOP STARING AT MY EYES
I’M NOT A GYNECOLOGIST Author: SEX I’m not a Gynecologist but I’ll take a look!
DON’T NEED SEX Author: SEX I DON’T NEED SEX THE GOVERNMENT SCREWS ME EVERY DAY
SEX IS LIKE PIZZA Author: SEX SEX IS LIKE PIZZA When it’s good, it’s good and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good!
A BODY LIKE THIS Author: SEX You Don’t Get A Body Like This By Working Out!
MY NEXT TRICK Author: SEX For my next trick I will need a condom and a volunteer.
ALWAYS LATE Author: SORRY I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
TODAY IS A GIFT Author: SPITITUAL -Today is a Gift -That’s why it’s called “the Present”
LIVE EACH DAY Author: SPITITUAL LIVE EACH DAY LIKE IT’S YOR LAST. One Day You’ll Get it Right!
HELP ME TO REMEMBER Author: SPITITUAL Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen today that You and I can’t handle together.
GOD ANSWERS Author: SPITITUAL God answers Knee mail
PRAYER Author: SPITITUAL PRAYER The world’s greatest wireless connection.
WISHING YOU TIME Author: SPITITUAL Wishing You Time Time for joy… Time for laughter. Time for happy-ever-after. Time for rest… Time for play. Time for chocolate… Time for tea. Time for treasured friends, and Time for me.
LIFE IS NOT A RACE Author: SPITITUAL LIFE IS NOT A RACE, BUT INDEED A JOURNEY. BE HONEST. WORK HARD. BE CHOOSY. SAY “THANK YOU” , “I LOVE YOU”, AND “GREAT JOB” TO SOMEONE EACH DAY. LET YOUR HANDSHAKE MEAN MORE THAN PEN AND PAPER. DREAMING DOES MATTER. IT ALLOWS YOU TO BECOME THAT WHICH YOU ASPIRE TO. APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE AND ENJOY THEM. SOME OF THE BEST THINGS REALLY ARE FREE. DO NOT WORRY, TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF – PLAN FOR LONGEVITY.
A NEST IN MY HAIR Author: SPITITUAL I cannot prevent the Birds of Sorrow from passing over my head but I can keep them from Building a nest in my hair.
BRING A LIGHT TO THE WORLD Author: SYMPATHY There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone the light remains.
SHE WAS ON HER WAY Author: SYMPATHY She wasn’t where she had been She wasn’t where she was going… but she was on her way
GOD SAW YOU Author: SYMPATHY God Saw You… God saw you getting tired, When a cure was not to be So He wrapped his arms around you. And whispered, “come to me” You didn’t deserve what you went through. So He gave you rest. God’s garden must be beautiful, He only takes the best. And when I saw you sleeping. So peaceful and free from pain I could not wish you back To suffer that again.
A PRAYER OF THANKS Author: THANKS Thank You, GOD, for everything ....I've experienced here on earth-- Thank You for protecting me ....from the moment of my birth-- And thank You for the beauty ....around me everywhere, The gentle rain and glistening dew, ....the sunshine and the air, The joyous gift of "feeling" ....the soul's soft, whispering voice That speaks to me from deep within ....and makes my heart rejoice-- Oh, GOD, no words are great enough ....to thank You for just living, And that is why every day ....is a day for real THANKSGIVING
GIVING THANKS Author: THANKS For the hay and the corn and the wheat that is reaped, For the labor well done, and the barns that are heaped, For the sun and the dew and the sweet honeycomb, For the rose and the song and the harvest brought home - Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! --------!!!-------- For the trade and the skill and the wealth in our land, For the cunning and strength of the workingman's hand, For the good that our artists and poets have taught, For the friendship that hope and affection have brought - Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! --------!!!-------- For the homes that with purest affection are blest, For the season of plenty and well-deserved rest, For our country extending from sea unto sea; The land that is known as the "Land of the Free" - Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
REAL WOMEN Author: WOMEN Real women don’t cry, they WINE!
A GREAT PAIR OF SHOES Author: WOMEN A little lipstick and a great pair of shoes can fix anything
THE KIND OF WOMAN Author: WOMEN Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “OH CRAP, SHE’S UP!”
DON’T MAKE ME Author: WOMEN Don’t make me put my hands on my hips!
WELL BEHAVED WOMEN Author: WOMEN Well behaved women rarely make history… SO LIVE IT UP!
GLASS SNEAKERS Author: WOMEN Still a Princess right down to my glass sneakers & enchanted sweatpants
PIGS FLY Author: WORK WITH ENOUGH THRUST PIGS FLY JUST FINE
TO ERR IS HUMAN Author: WORK To err is human to blame it on someone else shows management potential
GOING TO WORK Author: WORK I don’t mind going to work. It’s that 8 hour wait to go home that sucks!
NOW I WORK HERE Author: WORK I had a life once. Now I work here.
YOUR POINT OF VIEW Author: WORK I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.
LUCKY TO WORK HERE Author: WORK Tell me again how lucky I am to work here. I KEEP FORGETTING
TGIF Author: WORK TGIF? I say TGIM. THANK GOD IT’S MONDAY. I SURVIVED THE WEEKEND!
WTF Author: WORK After MONDAY and TUESDAY even the calendar says: WTF
RATHER BE WORKING Author: WORK NOBODY ever had a BUMPER STICKER that said I’D RATHER BE WORKING!
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